Oh, I'm pregnant! It was such a shock to see that pink line move across the test and so quickly too. I was in shock. Then I was elated and then I was utterly petrified, afraid I'd done something before I knew I was pregnant to hurt the baby--I remembered taken a bunch of Ibuprofen after hurting my back and then learned that really hot baths or anything that raises your body temp above 102 degrees could causes severe damage to the baby. I just cried and cried and felt so terrified. My doctor made me feel better, letting me know it was highly unlikely any of tht would have damaged my baby. And I've been feeling guilty for not being more careful that one time. I so wanted to plan this and prepare and feel ready (though I know that I probably never would have felt ready. I've never felt ready fro any major life change). A little prep and warning would have helped, though.
I woke up Monday feeling afraid but so happy. I began to think of these lines from Psalm 139:
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
Thinking about those lovely lines made me cry. I love the idea that God already knows and loves my baby, this little creature inside me. As I was driving later that day I suddenly felt very secure that I could create a beautiful, peace, loving environment for my baby and that my womb could keep her/him safe. Feeling that was so beautiful.
Last night I had my first major bout of nasueau and threw up and threw up. Oh, it was awful. Finally my headache is fading, though. I think it's as much from being pregnant as it is from all the anxiety and terror I was feeling before the doctor's appointment that I'd done somethig to harm my little one.
About this blog
I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant on January 23, 2006. It was the same week I preached my first sermon and was finishing up my applications for seminary, finally ready to answer my call to enter ministry. It happened just as I was joyfully applying for seminary and finally ready to move to a new town, away from a place where I had been lonely and depressed.
The day I found out I was pregnant--and that my immediate plans were going to be interrupted--began the most beautiful and terrifying journey of my life. It's time to examine that period of my life--the joy and the despair I experienced. It's time to make peace with my experience. These are entries from my journal and memories of my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period--my journey into healing.
Cast of Characters:
Bitchwife: My midwife. I loved her, loved her, loved her during all of my prenatal visits, and came to really, deeply trust her. She did such a horrible job of supporting me during labor, though, that I was left really traumatized after the birth. My traumatizing birth experience caused the first symptoms of serious postpartum depression and left me angry and baffled and terrified of ever doing it again. Now I seethe with rage everytime I think about her.
FaithfulHeart: A dear friend I've known for years who has traveled with me through childhood and into adulthood, faithfully supporting me and loving me despite our great differences. She ended up being at the birth and, along with my husband, was my saving grace, faithfully staying up with me through all 25+ hours of labor and providing counter-pressure as I went through back labor that made it possible for me to endure the pain.
GentleSam: My husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband. Everytime I see Fellowship of the Ring I cry when Sam nearly drowns as he rushes out to Frodo's boat as Frodo tries to leave for Mordor alone. That's the sort of faithful, powerful, gentle, amazing companion my husband has been to me, refusing to let me face my terror alone, willing to risk everything just to journey with me.
WonderWoman: the therapist I was seeing throughout this whole period. She has been one of the most healing, loving, transformative people in my life.
LovingFamily: A family I lived with for a few months while I was in college. They had six kids and I helped care for them in exchange for a room for the summer. The parents' marriage and love for their kids was probably the first model I'd seen of a good, loving marriage and of good parenting. They gave me hope that it's possible to do those things well and helped me begin my healing. I'm still occasionally in contat with these amazing people and am still astounded by their wholeness, authenticity, and love as they relate to one another.
The day I found out I was pregnant--and that my immediate plans were going to be interrupted--began the most beautiful and terrifying journey of my life. It's time to examine that period of my life--the joy and the despair I experienced. It's time to make peace with my experience. These are entries from my journal and memories of my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period--my journey into healing.
Cast of Characters:
Bitchwife: My midwife. I loved her, loved her, loved her during all of my prenatal visits, and came to really, deeply trust her. She did such a horrible job of supporting me during labor, though, that I was left really traumatized after the birth. My traumatizing birth experience caused the first symptoms of serious postpartum depression and left me angry and baffled and terrified of ever doing it again. Now I seethe with rage everytime I think about her.
FaithfulHeart: A dear friend I've known for years who has traveled with me through childhood and into adulthood, faithfully supporting me and loving me despite our great differences. She ended up being at the birth and, along with my husband, was my saving grace, faithfully staying up with me through all 25+ hours of labor and providing counter-pressure as I went through back labor that made it possible for me to endure the pain.
GentleSam: My husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband. Everytime I see Fellowship of the Ring I cry when Sam nearly drowns as he rushes out to Frodo's boat as Frodo tries to leave for Mordor alone. That's the sort of faithful, powerful, gentle, amazing companion my husband has been to me, refusing to let me face my terror alone, willing to risk everything just to journey with me.
WonderWoman: the therapist I was seeing throughout this whole period. She has been one of the most healing, loving, transformative people in my life.
LovingFamily: A family I lived with for a few months while I was in college. They had six kids and I helped care for them in exchange for a room for the summer. The parents' marriage and love for their kids was probably the first model I'd seen of a good, loving marriage and of good parenting. They gave me hope that it's possible to do those things well and helped me begin my healing. I'm still occasionally in contat with these amazing people and am still astounded by their wholeness, authenticity, and love as they relate to one another.
1 comment:
Oh goodie!! I'm the first one to comment! I'm soooo looking forward to reading this new blog of yours. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two.
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