This morning I am anxious about how much this baby is going to change our lives. I think I'm grieving for what we'll lose--the freedom, especially mine as I'll, at first, be doing the majority of the care-taking. I'm afraid that I won't like it--being a mom. I'm afraid of these feelings of resentment and ambivalence, worried about my anxiety.
There's also some part of me that feels a deep peace about being a mother. I think about what I felt when I was a nanny, when I lived with LovingFamily, and I love the idea of creating a family, bringing life into the love between C. and I.
I dreamed last night that I began miscarrying. It was so scary. I was bleeding and was out in public and I felt both relief and great sadeness.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Feb. 9
Well, I'm less stressed. Seeing WonderWoman yesterday and not having her immediately get all excited when I told her about my pregnancy was so helpful, knowing that she sensed that this is hard and scary for me helped. It was so good to cry and admit to feeling resentment and ambivalence and to the darkness I feel, the fear that I can't possibly be healthy and good and loving enough to sustain life and be a good home for my baby.
When I told her I'd have to delay seminary I wanted to cry. I was surprised at how sad I felt. I've already waited a year and I've worked so hard to feel emotionally and psychologically ready for seminary. It just feels like too much to also have to deal with all the mom stuff too.
At first I think I partly hoped for a miscarriage and now I'm terrified it might happen. I think it really comes down to this: I struggle to believe that I can be a mom, that I can sustain life-giving intimacy with someone so vulnerable and dependent on me. I know I can do it. It's not an issue of whether or not I can do the mothering thing, realy. It's more of an issue of who I am, who and what lurks in the depths of me. And that person seems dangerous and very non-maternal sometimes. Other times she seems powerful and beautiful in a terrifying but good way. I'm just afraid...afraid of the broken, angry, abused parts of me...how can I mother when those dark, dark things lurk away inside me?
When I told her I'd have to delay seminary I wanted to cry. I was surprised at how sad I felt. I've already waited a year and I've worked so hard to feel emotionally and psychologically ready for seminary. It just feels like too much to also have to deal with all the mom stuff too.
At first I think I partly hoped for a miscarriage and now I'm terrified it might happen. I think it really comes down to this: I struggle to believe that I can be a mom, that I can sustain life-giving intimacy with someone so vulnerable and dependent on me. I know I can do it. It's not an issue of whether or not I can do the mothering thing, realy. It's more of an issue of who I am, who and what lurks in the depths of me. And that person seems dangerous and very non-maternal sometimes. Other times she seems powerful and beautiful in a terrifying but good way. I'm just afraid...afraid of the broken, angry, abused parts of me...how can I mother when those dark, dark things lurk away inside me?
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