Well, I'm less stressed. Seeing WonderWoman yesterday and not having her immediately get all excited when I told her about my pregnancy was so helpful, knowing that she sensed that this is hard and scary for me helped. It was so good to cry and admit to feeling resentment and ambivalence and to the darkness I feel, the fear that I can't possibly be healthy and good and loving enough to sustain life and be a good home for my baby.
When I told her I'd have to delay seminary I wanted to cry. I was surprised at how sad I felt. I've already waited a year and I've worked so hard to feel emotionally and psychologically ready for seminary. It just feels like too much to also have to deal with all the mom stuff too.
At first I think I partly hoped for a miscarriage and now I'm terrified it might happen. I think it really comes down to this: I struggle to believe that I can be a mom, that I can sustain life-giving intimacy with someone so vulnerable and dependent on me. I know I can do it. It's not an issue of whether or not I can do the mothering thing, realy. It's more of an issue of who I am, who and what lurks in the depths of me. And that person seems dangerous and very non-maternal sometimes. Other times she seems powerful and beautiful in a terrifying but good way. I'm just afraid...afraid of the broken, angry, abused parts of me...how can I mother when those dark, dark things lurk away inside me?
About this blog
I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant on January 23, 2006. It was the same week I preached my first sermon and was finishing up my applications for seminary, finally ready to answer my call to enter ministry. It happened just as I was joyfully applying for seminary and finally ready to move to a new town, away from a place where I had been lonely and depressed.
The day I found out I was pregnant--and that my immediate plans were going to be interrupted--began the most beautiful and terrifying journey of my life. It's time to examine that period of my life--the joy and the despair I experienced. It's time to make peace with my experience. These are entries from my journal and memories of my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period--my journey into healing.
Cast of Characters:
Bitchwife: My midwife. I loved her, loved her, loved her during all of my prenatal visits, and came to really, deeply trust her. She did such a horrible job of supporting me during labor, though, that I was left really traumatized after the birth. My traumatizing birth experience caused the first symptoms of serious postpartum depression and left me angry and baffled and terrified of ever doing it again. Now I seethe with rage everytime I think about her.
FaithfulHeart: A dear friend I've known for years who has traveled with me through childhood and into adulthood, faithfully supporting me and loving me despite our great differences. She ended up being at the birth and, along with my husband, was my saving grace, faithfully staying up with me through all 25+ hours of labor and providing counter-pressure as I went through back labor that made it possible for me to endure the pain.
GentleSam: My husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband. Everytime I see Fellowship of the Ring I cry when Sam nearly drowns as he rushes out to Frodo's boat as Frodo tries to leave for Mordor alone. That's the sort of faithful, powerful, gentle, amazing companion my husband has been to me, refusing to let me face my terror alone, willing to risk everything just to journey with me.
WonderWoman: the therapist I was seeing throughout this whole period. She has been one of the most healing, loving, transformative people in my life.
LovingFamily: A family I lived with for a few months while I was in college. They had six kids and I helped care for them in exchange for a room for the summer. The parents' marriage and love for their kids was probably the first model I'd seen of a good, loving marriage and of good parenting. They gave me hope that it's possible to do those things well and helped me begin my healing. I'm still occasionally in contat with these amazing people and am still astounded by their wholeness, authenticity, and love as they relate to one another.
The day I found out I was pregnant--and that my immediate plans were going to be interrupted--began the most beautiful and terrifying journey of my life. It's time to examine that period of my life--the joy and the despair I experienced. It's time to make peace with my experience. These are entries from my journal and memories of my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period--my journey into healing.
Cast of Characters:
Bitchwife: My midwife. I loved her, loved her, loved her during all of my prenatal visits, and came to really, deeply trust her. She did such a horrible job of supporting me during labor, though, that I was left really traumatized after the birth. My traumatizing birth experience caused the first symptoms of serious postpartum depression and left me angry and baffled and terrified of ever doing it again. Now I seethe with rage everytime I think about her.
FaithfulHeart: A dear friend I've known for years who has traveled with me through childhood and into adulthood, faithfully supporting me and loving me despite our great differences. She ended up being at the birth and, along with my husband, was my saving grace, faithfully staying up with me through all 25+ hours of labor and providing counter-pressure as I went through back labor that made it possible for me to endure the pain.
GentleSam: My husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband. Everytime I see Fellowship of the Ring I cry when Sam nearly drowns as he rushes out to Frodo's boat as Frodo tries to leave for Mordor alone. That's the sort of faithful, powerful, gentle, amazing companion my husband has been to me, refusing to let me face my terror alone, willing to risk everything just to journey with me.
WonderWoman: the therapist I was seeing throughout this whole period. She has been one of the most healing, loving, transformative people in my life.
LovingFamily: A family I lived with for a few months while I was in college. They had six kids and I helped care for them in exchange for a room for the summer. The parents' marriage and love for their kids was probably the first model I'd seen of a good, loving marriage and of good parenting. They gave me hope that it's possible to do those things well and helped me begin my healing. I'm still occasionally in contat with these amazing people and am still astounded by their wholeness, authenticity, and love as they relate to one another.
1 comment:
Having struggled with depression for years myself, I can empathize with your pain. It's terrible, the guilt that we mothers place on our own shoulders. I hope it will help you to know that we all suffer feelings of regret and "what if's"...
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