Feb. 14, 2006

Oh, sleep--so, so good! I'm actually quite proud of myself. As much as this whole thing has been so anxiety-producing for me, I have, a few times, been able to calm myself down. I woke up at six this morning anxious about whether or not the baby's okay, but I was able to quiet myself and go back to sleep. And I'm not so anxious about moving back to Colorado now. I feel a little hopeful. It's not just a daunting task now; now it's a way to start making our lives what we want them to be. That's really beautiful. What do I want my life to be? I want to feel supported, to have a commuity. I want to have others I trust to help with the childcare. I want to be near enough to school that it's not a huge chore to get there. I want to be surrounded by natural beauty. I want places where I can go walk with my baby. I want a quiet neighborhood where I won't be kept up at night, where I can study. I would love a coffee shop in walking distance. I want somewhere where we can have our dog. I want a faith community I can relate to and worship in and meet God in regularly. I want a faith community that is a community and that cares for issues of social justice. That is the sort of world I would love to bring our baby into.

I want to be hopeful about this move, to trust God, to trust GentleSam and myself, to know that we have the resources in us to be parents and to still be lovers. I feel--I believe--that this next stage in my life is going to be one of deep healing, deep wholeness, deep empowerment, as I become more and more able to trust that God and I and my community can create a good life--not just easy, neccesarily, but that I can be a good mother, that I can pastor, that I can bring what is in me, bring my potential, to the outside world and know that it will make a beautiful mark.