Oh, sleep--so, so good! I'm actually quite proud of myself. As much as this whole thing has been so anxiety-producing for me, I have, a few times, been able to calm myself down. I woke up at six this morning anxious about whether or not the baby's okay, but I was able to quiet myself and go back to sleep. And I'm not so anxious about moving back to Colorado now. I feel a little hopeful. It's not just a daunting task now; now it's a way to start making our lives what we want them to be. That's really beautiful. What do I want my life to be? I want to feel supported, to have a commuity. I want to have others I trust to help with the childcare. I want to be near enough to school that it's not a huge chore to get there. I want to be surrounded by natural beauty. I want places where I can go walk with my baby. I want a quiet neighborhood where I won't be kept up at night, where I can study. I would love a coffee shop in walking distance. I want somewhere where we can have our dog. I want a faith community I can relate to and worship in and meet God in regularly. I want a faith community that is a community and that cares for issues of social justice. That is the sort of world I would love to bring our baby into.
I want to be hopeful about this move, to trust God, to trust GentleSam and myself, to know that we have the resources in us to be parents and to still be lovers. I feel--I believe--that this next stage in my life is going to be one of deep healing, deep wholeness, deep empowerment, as I become more and more able to trust that God and I and my community can create a good life--not just easy, neccesarily, but that I can be a good mother, that I can pastor, that I can bring what is in me, bring my potential, to the outside world and know that it will make a beautiful mark.
About this blog
I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant on January 23, 2006. It was the same week I preached my first sermon and was finishing up my applications for seminary, finally ready to answer my call to enter ministry. It happened just as I was joyfully applying for seminary and finally ready to move to a new town, away from a place where I had been lonely and depressed.
The day I found out I was pregnant--and that my immediate plans were going to be interrupted--began the most beautiful and terrifying journey of my life. It's time to examine that period of my life--the joy and the despair I experienced. It's time to make peace with my experience. These are entries from my journal and memories of my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period--my journey into healing.
Cast of Characters:
Bitchwife: My midwife. I loved her, loved her, loved her during all of my prenatal visits, and came to really, deeply trust her. She did such a horrible job of supporting me during labor, though, that I was left really traumatized after the birth. My traumatizing birth experience caused the first symptoms of serious postpartum depression and left me angry and baffled and terrified of ever doing it again. Now I seethe with rage everytime I think about her.
FaithfulHeart: A dear friend I've known for years who has traveled with me through childhood and into adulthood, faithfully supporting me and loving me despite our great differences. She ended up being at the birth and, along with my husband, was my saving grace, faithfully staying up with me through all 25+ hours of labor and providing counter-pressure as I went through back labor that made it possible for me to endure the pain.
GentleSam: My husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband. Everytime I see Fellowship of the Ring I cry when Sam nearly drowns as he rushes out to Frodo's boat as Frodo tries to leave for Mordor alone. That's the sort of faithful, powerful, gentle, amazing companion my husband has been to me, refusing to let me face my terror alone, willing to risk everything just to journey with me.
WonderWoman: the therapist I was seeing throughout this whole period. She has been one of the most healing, loving, transformative people in my life.
LovingFamily: A family I lived with for a few months while I was in college. They had six kids and I helped care for them in exchange for a room for the summer. The parents' marriage and love for their kids was probably the first model I'd seen of a good, loving marriage and of good parenting. They gave me hope that it's possible to do those things well and helped me begin my healing. I'm still occasionally in contat with these amazing people and am still astounded by their wholeness, authenticity, and love as they relate to one another.
The day I found out I was pregnant--and that my immediate plans were going to be interrupted--began the most beautiful and terrifying journey of my life. It's time to examine that period of my life--the joy and the despair I experienced. It's time to make peace with my experience. These are entries from my journal and memories of my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period--my journey into healing.
Cast of Characters:
Bitchwife: My midwife. I loved her, loved her, loved her during all of my prenatal visits, and came to really, deeply trust her. She did such a horrible job of supporting me during labor, though, that I was left really traumatized after the birth. My traumatizing birth experience caused the first symptoms of serious postpartum depression and left me angry and baffled and terrified of ever doing it again. Now I seethe with rage everytime I think about her.
FaithfulHeart: A dear friend I've known for years who has traveled with me through childhood and into adulthood, faithfully supporting me and loving me despite our great differences. She ended up being at the birth and, along with my husband, was my saving grace, faithfully staying up with me through all 25+ hours of labor and providing counter-pressure as I went through back labor that made it possible for me to endure the pain.
GentleSam: My husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband. Everytime I see Fellowship of the Ring I cry when Sam nearly drowns as he rushes out to Frodo's boat as Frodo tries to leave for Mordor alone. That's the sort of faithful, powerful, gentle, amazing companion my husband has been to me, refusing to let me face my terror alone, willing to risk everything just to journey with me.
WonderWoman: the therapist I was seeing throughout this whole period. She has been one of the most healing, loving, transformative people in my life.
LovingFamily: A family I lived with for a few months while I was in college. They had six kids and I helped care for them in exchange for a room for the summer. The parents' marriage and love for their kids was probably the first model I'd seen of a good, loving marriage and of good parenting. They gave me hope that it's possible to do those things well and helped me begin my healing. I'm still occasionally in contat with these amazing people and am still astounded by their wholeness, authenticity, and love as they relate to one another.
2 comments:
Hey beautiful mamma! Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. If you are interested in Buddhism definitely check out the Daily Buddhism site (there is a link of my blog). I really enjoy Buddhism. It has helped me to overcome a lot of depression and negative thinking patterns in my life.
I am glad the mantra reached out to you. It is truly one that I use many times a day, and it gives me such a feeling of gratefulness.
It sounds like you have a wonderful adventure ahead of you. Trust in yourself. You have everything you need.
Thanks for stopping by my blog... I know what you mean about trying to find support. I wish I had found more when I was actually in the deepest part of my ppd. My hope is that little by little, one at a time, we can help increase awareness and understanding of this illness.
This post is a lot of what I wish for - we're not in a place to move at this time but I often wish I lived closer to the world (so to speak) than we do now.
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