(another post from my journal back in 2006 when I struggled through prenatal depression).
I had such an awful dream. I hate these my-dog-is-dying-and-I-can't-get-help dreams. My dog, Queen, had eaten some leaves and then started running around madly in circles. I called GentleSam (who was sleeping in some other house) and he told me to wait. I yelled at him that I needed him now. He came and I gave him the leash and told him to get Queen because I thought she had been poisoned. I grabbed a leaf to take to the vet and then asked GentleSam where his car was. It was up the hill and we started racing toward it with Queen. We found someone on the way and asked them where we could find a vet who was open at night. She gave us vague directions. We kept running and running, getting no closer to GentleSam's car. By this time Queen was seizing up and writhing, and suddenly GentleSam was on crutches, trying to run and carry her. His car was miles away, and I was furious at him for not telling me how far away it was when we started because my car was much closer. Someone was driving by and stopped. We had put Queen down, hoping she could run on her own, but she collapsed on the side of the road, and this man got out of his car and started laughing at her. We yelled at him for laughing and told him she'd been poisoned. He put his hands on her tummy, prodding and examining her, and then said she was in the final stages of the poisoining and was about to die. He kept laughing and we yelled at him to go away if he couldn't give us any good new. I kept sobbing and talking to Queen, telling her to hold on and feeling horrible because we could have put her in my car. I kept apologizing to her. And I knew she was going to die because it ha taken to long, and we still weren't at the car and didn't even know where the vet was.
I woke up at the point and reached out to put my feet on Queen, who was sleeping at the foot of the bed. I pulled her up beside me and cuddled her and cried.
Up until this pregnancy she's been, really, the only vulnerable being who depends on me to take care of her. Now there's going to be a human being who needs me. My dream was about that, I think, and about my fear of being alone and unsupported as I raise this baby.
About this blog
I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant on January 23, 2006. It was the same week I preached my first sermon and was finishing up my applications for seminary, finally ready to answer my call to enter ministry. It happened just as I was joyfully applying for seminary and finally ready to move to a new town, away from a place where I had been lonely and depressed.
The day I found out I was pregnant--and that my immediate plans were going to be interrupted--began the most beautiful and terrifying journey of my life. It's time to examine that period of my life--the joy and the despair I experienced. It's time to make peace with my experience. These are entries from my journal and memories of my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period--my journey into healing.
Cast of Characters:
Bitchwife: My midwife. I loved her, loved her, loved her during all of my prenatal visits, and came to really, deeply trust her. She did such a horrible job of supporting me during labor, though, that I was left really traumatized after the birth. My traumatizing birth experience caused the first symptoms of serious postpartum depression and left me angry and baffled and terrified of ever doing it again. Now I seethe with rage everytime I think about her.
FaithfulHeart: A dear friend I've known for years who has traveled with me through childhood and into adulthood, faithfully supporting me and loving me despite our great differences. She ended up being at the birth and, along with my husband, was my saving grace, faithfully staying up with me through all 25+ hours of labor and providing counter-pressure as I went through back labor that made it possible for me to endure the pain.
GentleSam: My husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband. Everytime I see Fellowship of the Ring I cry when Sam nearly drowns as he rushes out to Frodo's boat as Frodo tries to leave for Mordor alone. That's the sort of faithful, powerful, gentle, amazing companion my husband has been to me, refusing to let me face my terror alone, willing to risk everything just to journey with me.
WonderWoman: the therapist I was seeing throughout this whole period. She has been one of the most healing, loving, transformative people in my life.
LovingFamily: A family I lived with for a few months while I was in college. They had six kids and I helped care for them in exchange for a room for the summer. The parents' marriage and love for their kids was probably the first model I'd seen of a good, loving marriage and of good parenting. They gave me hope that it's possible to do those things well and helped me begin my healing. I'm still occasionally in contat with these amazing people and am still astounded by their wholeness, authenticity, and love as they relate to one another.
The day I found out I was pregnant--and that my immediate plans were going to be interrupted--began the most beautiful and terrifying journey of my life. It's time to examine that period of my life--the joy and the despair I experienced. It's time to make peace with my experience. These are entries from my journal and memories of my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period--my journey into healing.
Cast of Characters:
Bitchwife: My midwife. I loved her, loved her, loved her during all of my prenatal visits, and came to really, deeply trust her. She did such a horrible job of supporting me during labor, though, that I was left really traumatized after the birth. My traumatizing birth experience caused the first symptoms of serious postpartum depression and left me angry and baffled and terrified of ever doing it again. Now I seethe with rage everytime I think about her.
FaithfulHeart: A dear friend I've known for years who has traveled with me through childhood and into adulthood, faithfully supporting me and loving me despite our great differences. She ended up being at the birth and, along with my husband, was my saving grace, faithfully staying up with me through all 25+ hours of labor and providing counter-pressure as I went through back labor that made it possible for me to endure the pain.
GentleSam: My husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband. Everytime I see Fellowship of the Ring I cry when Sam nearly drowns as he rushes out to Frodo's boat as Frodo tries to leave for Mordor alone. That's the sort of faithful, powerful, gentle, amazing companion my husband has been to me, refusing to let me face my terror alone, willing to risk everything just to journey with me.
WonderWoman: the therapist I was seeing throughout this whole period. She has been one of the most healing, loving, transformative people in my life.
LovingFamily: A family I lived with for a few months while I was in college. They had six kids and I helped care for them in exchange for a room for the summer. The parents' marriage and love for their kids was probably the first model I'd seen of a good, loving marriage and of good parenting. They gave me hope that it's possible to do those things well and helped me begin my healing. I'm still occasionally in contat with these amazing people and am still astounded by their wholeness, authenticity, and love as they relate to one another.
2 comments:
I hate dreams like that, they really stay with you. Yuck!
just a dream, just a dream, just a dream, thank God.
It's a tremendous responsibility being a parent but you get better at it and the angst will fade a lot. You'll be fine, you really will.
I'm pleased that you're brave enough to post these old journal entries. Nightmares/dreams like that really are awful.
I'm so glad you're getting better and doing such good work.
Keep writing, feeling, and growing. And thank you so much for being so kind to me and for posting comments on my blog so often. It's encouraging, and I appreciate you and your words so much.
Sincerely, Penney
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